I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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