I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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