I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
