Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
