help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
