Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
