i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
