There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
