i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
