ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
