Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
