i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
