I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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