How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
