im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
