and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
