I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
