i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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