I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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