i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize