Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
