my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
