Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
