My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
