I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
