Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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