Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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