there was a trapeze. enough said
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
