im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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