He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
