Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
