I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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