wrigley field is MILF paradise
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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