she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
