so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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