He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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