the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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