i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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