Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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