in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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