Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Randomize
