why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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