So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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