I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
