a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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