So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
