The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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