The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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