remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
