I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Your penis caused this!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
