I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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