***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
