I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
