You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
