Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
