She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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